Disgruntled school
by Psycho-Eff KittyKat589
Summary: Harry is a pimp, Draco is molested(he's not complaining),Longbottom has a sick infatuaition,Voldie has 2 little girls,Scary Russians! ,and mucho knocked upness, Warning- sheer insanity ahead, and some stuff not for little ppl
1. manwhore

O.k...here goes my sanity.  
I own George Weasley, he lives in my bathroom. I own Sirius Black, he's chained in my closet.  
Jane owns Fred Weasley and Snape, I don't know where she keeps them. She hides them from me.  
We have joint custody of Draco Malfoy. And Lord Voldemort owns US, other than THAT, we no own.  
  
DISGRUNTLED SCHOOL  
  
Ron whispered something to Harry and Hermione. Hermione paled as Harry squeeled like a ten yers old girl. "You WHAT!!!?" Ron blushed. "I...had...Proff...MMANFSHAF..." Ron twitched. "You had sex with Proffesor SPROUT for a good grade!" Harry said, almost puking. "SSHHHHHHH." Ron said, not wanting others to know. "Don't you tell ME to SHH!! I'm better than you 'cause I'M the boy that lived, and AAAAIIIIIII can say VOLDEMORT without getting scared, and AAAAIIIIII am the main character and HERO of a best selling BOOK!" Harry said, snapping his fingers. Hermione rolled her eyes. "The sorting hat was right!" She proclaimed. "I should be in Ravenclaw!" And she moved to sit with Ravenclaw.  
  
Meanwhile at the Slytherin table...  
  
"Look at THESE!" A random Slytherin said, holding up some panties. "Ooohhh yeeaaahhh! You left these in my room!" He said, batting his eyes at a girl down the table from him. She was red down to the collar of her shirt. "Isn't she your SISTER?" Draco asked. Now the boy was blushing. "O-Only by marriage..." He said. "You should be in Hufflepuff. That's where ALL the inbreeders go." Katora (My angry alter ego) sneered. Draco smirked with her. Veronika (Jane's angry alter ego) Made a comment too rude for anyone under twenty, let's leave it at that.  
  
Meanwhile at the teachers' table...  
  
Albutt DumbelDork (AKA: Dumbledor) smiled at McGonagal. She looked away. DumbelDork took out a peice of parchment and a quill then wrote a note. He passed it to Hagrid, who passed it to her. She read it and screamed at him. "I TOLD YOU! WE'RE OVER!" And sat back down, Snape surpressed laughter. Heeheehee. Albutt looked depressed. Yes, very sad...  
O.K JANE!!! Your turn, and don't forget Longbottom's err..."Problem" Ok, have fun!!!!!  
And make the chapter longer...I'll do better next time. 


	2. Nevilles Obession

Disclaimer- Read the first one!

  


Okay this is KittyKat589 doing this chapter, thus it will be a bit different!

  


  


~In Potions~

  


Snape was smiling maliciously when everyone walked in,none of the Gryffindors seemed to understand why. They did however know enough to be scared, then in walked Draco's posse they were all smirking. The Gryffindors being the idiots that they are, were still confused. Until suddenly they figured it out, well okay Veronika told them. "Hey Potter!" she yelled, he looked around like he was lost. There was no way she was talking to him!! She, Draco, and Katora were considered Slytherin royalty and suspected Death Eaters. "Me?" he asked rather dumbly.

Veronika rolled her eyes "No, the _other_ Harry Potter!" Harry sighed with relief, then he realized he was the _only _Harry Potter. "Y-yes" he stuttered

Veronika smiled(it was not a nice smile) " I was just wondering how you're going to pass Potions now that Granger is gone. I mean even with her here(alliteration is my friend) you had a C. Oh and Longbottom, I heard the weirdest rumor about you." Neville paled to the point that he could have passed for the Fat Friar(and we do mean fat) while the rest of the Gryffindors were freaking out about Hermione being gone Veronika and Katora walked over to talk to Neville. "You see Neville we got bored one day," started Veronika

"And decided that lately you've been to happy." Katora said

"So of course we had to fix this."

"It's only normal, well for us, so we took a little trip to your Grandmothers house."

"You didn't kill Grams did you!?!?" he screeched

"No, though we definitely wanted to. We just did a little snooping while she was out." Veronika continued as though never interrupted

"And found the most interesting thing in your closet," Katora grinned when she said this. The whole class was paying attention, I mean come on two Slytherins have Neville Longbottom cornered you would want to know what was going on! The Gryffindors were trying to decide if they should save Neville and risk house points, the Slytherins wanted to know what they found, and Snape was acting like he didn't now anything was happening. "Yes," said Veronika, knowing full well everyone was listening "Apparently Neville here likes The-Boy-Who-Wont-Just-Die _way _to much. He has a shrine dedicated to our _darling_(note the sarcasm) little hero! Also we found some stains on the floor in front of it that seemed rather suspect, so we did a quick test. You can guess what the substance was." she grinned while everyone shuddered or screamed or tried to claw their eyes out. Several Slytherins(alliteration rocks!!) collapsed onto the floor withering with pain from the sudden mental image. "That's not true!!!" Neville yelled, the Gryffindors wanted to believe him I mean these girls were Slytherins which meant they wouldn't think twice about lying. Then Draco walked over to their side, "They took pictures, which are now for sale! One galleon each!!"

Harry was now huddled in a corner crying and shivering, Ron came over to comfort him but all Harry did was yell "Get away _MANWHORE_!!!!"

Ron rolled(alliteration!!!!) his eyes "I'm not a manwhore!!!"

  


  


A/N- I leave you here this is KittyKat signing off!! Psycho-Eff your turn to do a chapter!!! please! We need reviews to live!!


	3. Tainted Love

Hello, this is Kao-Ko; Katora would be doing this but.  
  
(Katora walks into the room decked out in all black, with a black leather trench coat, and her face painted. She looks angry and depressed.)  
  
Kao-Ko: Katora watched The Crow, and now she's unstable. She can't take the fact a movie makes her cry.  
  
Katora: (With gun in hand.) The movie did NOT make me cry! That movie DOESN'T MAKE ME CRY! (She tries to shoot Kao-Ko, Kao-Ko dodges.)  
  
DISGRUNTLED SCHOOL  
  
The next class was Herbology with Ravenclaw. Hermione stood nowhere near Ron and Harry. Ron reached for a plant and accidentally touched Harry's arm. "MANWHORE! DON'T TOUCH ME!!!" Harry screamed, causing everyone to stare. "I'M SUPPOSED TO BE INNOCENT AND NIEVE! DON'T TOUCH ME WITH YOUR TAINTED." Harry got that far before all the muggles started singing one of their muggle songs.  
  
"Once I ran to you (I ran)  
  
Now I'll run from you  
  
This tainted love you've given  
  
I give you all a boy could give you  
  
Take my tears and that's not nearly all  
  
Oh...tainted love  
  
Tainted love  
  
Now I know I've got to  
  
Run away I've got to  
  
Get away."  
  
They all sang in unison, with a couple guys singing instrumental. Harry understood, but Ron was lost. "TAINTED LOVE! Do do do DOO DOO! Tainted love! Do do do DOO DOO! Tainted LOOOOVVVVVVEEEEE!" Harry sang. Hermione laughed at his stupidity. Then Professor Sprout came in and Harry went running to the other end of the green house.  
  
Ron went running after him but Harry screamed "MAAAAANNNNNNNNWHHHHHOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!" And Ron sulked off.  
  
*  
MEANWILE:  
AS DRACO AND POSSE SKIP CARE OF MAGICAL CREATURES.  
  
"Hand me that cigarette." Katora asked, pointing at the last cigarette in the pack next to Draco. "Get it yourself, Woman!" Draco said. Katora shrugged then flung herself on him. She 'accidentally' grabbed his ass while trying to grab the pack of smokes. She licked the side of his face and sat back next to Veronika. Veronika glared at Katora as she lit her cigarette.  
  
Draco was wiping the saliva off his face when Veronika pounced on him. "Drakie! Wanna have some real fun?" She asked. "Hold this." Katora said, handing her cig to Crabbe. Katora launched on what was open of Draco and the two girls started duking it out for him, Draco in the middle.  
  
"Do you want some help?" Goyle asked Draco. Draco gave him the finger. "I'm enjoying this!" He said, and Crabbe and Goyle realized that the two girls had given up fighting and settled with sharing him. "Joint Custody" they called it.  
  
Then the door to the Slytherin bathroom opened, and the brother and sister walked in, making out. "Holy SHIT! Your at it AGAIN!" Katora and Veronika said in unison, momentarily forgetting what they had been doing to Draco. The two, Steve and Valerie, jumped in the air and went running out. Valerie was crying. "Those two are fucked up!" Draco said. Katora, the lust fest having lost its moment, grabbed her cigarette and Punched Crabbe for having smoked some off it.  
  
*  
DUMBELDORK TRIES TO WIN BACK HIS WOMAN  
  
"But.but." Dumbeldork pleaded, but she wouldn't give in. Snape was standing in the room, unnoticed. He found this terribly amusing, and had a bag of popcorn with him. "I said NO! NO! NO! NO!" She shrieked. "Please, Minerva! Please." "NO!" She said again. "Why? Is it another man?" He asked. "Yes, in fact. I'm in love with Severus Snape."  
  
"AAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Snape and Dumbeldork shouted. Snape went running out of the room, his arms flailing. He turned into the first bathroom he saw, and found his favorite students sitting on the floor. "Hello." Katora and Veronika said. Katora didn't even bother to hide her cigarette. "H-h-hello." He said and tried to calmly walk out. He ended up running.  
  
A/N: Yes, read and review. Kitty, you are next. I'll call you later and we can figure out a way to get Voldemort in the story. 


	4. HARK!

  


~*~* On the Way to Breakfast *~*~

  


Draco's Posse peered around the corner "_Hark!_" Veronika whispered " I see incest!" She pointed down the hall where Steve and Valerie where snogging like the world was about to end. She and Katora looked at each other and said at the same time "_GROADY_!" They all looked at each other "Huddle up!" Draco whispered. They huddled up "They're blocking our path!" Draco whispered

" I say we beat 'em up! This has got to be illegal." Katora said

"Sorry. No. Not illegal." Veronika said sadly, no one doubted her word. Veronika knew every law, muggle or magic, that way she knew every loophole. That came in handy when they got in trouble with Dumbledork. 

" I know what we can do." said Crabbe. Everyone was astounded. " I say we pound 'em" Well, maybe not that astounded. 

Veronika rolled her eyes "Or we could do this." she walked out dragging Draco (alliteration) and Katora. She said rather loudly "So what did Lucius say?" Draco gave her a perplexed look, she rolled her eyes, " He said that Steve and Valerie would be killed by Voldemort if they didn't quit with the incest!?" 

She kicked him in the shin to make her point "OW... oh right he did say that, it's so sad(more alliteration) maybe we should warn them?" Katora gave him the patented 'Run Now' look.

"Hell no, that's nasty! Let them be killed!" She yelled at him. Out of the corner of their eyes they saw Steve and Valerie break apart, look at each other whisper shake hands and walk opposite directions. Mission accomplished they broke up the inbreeders!

  


~*~* In Potions*~*~

  


"Professor Snape I was wondering if I were to per say drop _this_" Veronika indicated the plant in her hand "Into the cauldron. What would happen?" 

He paled "Well, Veronika ... the clothes of the last person whose name you said would disappear." She smiled mischievously and dropped it, catching it only a moment before it hit the liquid. Then she winked at him as the class let out a sigh of relief, "I'm only playing I would never do that to you in front of so many people, now if I were the only one here, that would be a different matter." she winked again, receiving an elbow in the side from Katora. She looked over at her, "What?" she asked trying to sound innocent, Katora just rolled her eyes. "Wanna fag?" she asked holding out a pack of smokes, Veronika grinned and took one. They lit them with the fire under their cauldron, the Gryffindors were stunned. In the middle of class! They just lit up in the middle of class! "Veronika, Katora put those out." Snape said (alliteration! Fun AND exciting)

Veronika fake pouted, "But we just lit up! Please Sevie-Poo, don't make us put them out." she gave him a puppy dog face. "Pwease."

"Oh alright, but don't call me Sevie-Poo!" he said trying to regain any hint of dignity. She beamed "_Longbottom_, what the hell are you looking at?!" he stormed over to Neville's table. Neville tried to hide whatever it was, but to late. Snape had it, "What in the name of all that is _unholy_(he _is_ a Slytherin!)That's disgusting I think I'm gonna vomit!" Veronika and Katora ran over to where he was whimpering on the floor, Katora picked up the book and screamed before falling into a dead faint. Veronika braced herself then picked up the book and... made Draco tell her what was in it. "Oh!! Merciful death take me now!! It's Potter in only his knickers!!" Veronika shuddered, and threw the book away as though it were cursed. "Class dismissed!!" Snape yelled "Now someone Oblivate(you know the memory charm! I hope I got that right oh well) me!!"

  


~*~*Later that night*~*~

  


Draco's Posse was roaming the halls, they were bored and wanted to vandalize something, "_Hark_! I hear Potter." Veronika said

"You like that word don't you?" Draco asked, she sent him a death glare.

"Shut up you sodding prat! I want to know what Potter's saying!" They all crept closer, until they were right outside the door to the class Harry was in. "Now Manwhore," he said.

"He's apparently talking to Weasley." Katora muttered

"Don't call me Manwhore!! My name is Ron!!"

"Told you!" she whispered

"Right Manwhore, listen you're going about this whole whore thing all wrong. I mean you slept with Professor Sprout for a good grade." here Draco's Posse started gagging and trying not to die from disgust "If it were me, I could have flirted and gotten a B plus. You have no skills, so I have graciously decided to be your pimp!"

" I don't need a bloody pimp! I'm not a manwhore!" Weasley yelled

"You aren't a whore, yet you sleep with people to get things?"

"Okay maybe I am a whore, but I don't need a pimp!"

They all heard a loud _smack_ "Shut up _bitch_, I'll _tell_ you what you need! Now let's go, I feel like someone's listening." they heard another _smack_ "hurry up _Manwhore_!" and then they were gone.

"Is it just me, or was the that the single most disturbing thing that you have ever witnessed?" Veronika asked in a dazed voice

"It's wasn't just you." Katora whispered

"Nope." Draco added, Crabbe and Goyle were staring into space cringing at odd moments.

  


  


A/N- Here i leave you! Time for psycho to take over again! Yay! Please review! 


	5. The Horror!

Kitty did I great job on the last chapter, and now I'm back!! Kao-Ko is out; I'm over my 'Crow' thing. So let's get this party started.  
  
DISGRUNTLED SCHOOL  
  
Veronika woke up in the middle of the night to Katora talking in her sleep. "Ron.Sprout.out to get me. DON'T LET THEM GET ME!" Veronika took out a mallet from under her pillow and made contact with Katora's head. Katora jumped up, switchblade in hand, and put it near Veronika's throat. "Oh, it's you." She said and stuck the blade back under her pillow.  
  
"Yeah, you were having a nightmare." Veronika explained. The remark triggered Katora's memory. "Oh in the name of VOLDEMORT!!!! It's horrible!" She said, and then went to bed. "That girl is bloody WEIRD." Veronika said before going to bed herself.  
  
*  
  
The next day Draco's posse walked to the Great Hall for breakfast. Draco had Katora on his right arm and Veronika on his left. They passed Harry and Ron and paled. Katora detached from Draco and covered her eyes. "The HORROR!" She screamed. She slapped Ron and stalked off to the Slytherin table.  
  
They went to Care of Magical Creatures and handed Hagrid a note.  
  
"Hagrid, I am permitting Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, Masaki, and Nicoli to miss your class. You're too big and hairy and you're scaring my students. -Professor Severus Snape."  
  
And then they left. But, evil was a brewing in the Slytherin bathroom.  
  
*  
  
"NO!" "YES!" "NO!" "YES!" "NOOOOO!!!" "YEEEEESSS!"  
  
Draco's posse heard the argument before the got to the bathroom. When they walked in they found Steve and Valerie. "Damn it! You two are STILL at it?" Veronika yelled. Valerie paled, but Steve looked determined. He took out his wand. "LORD VOLDERMOOOORRRTTTT!!!!" Katora shouted and, speak of the devil and he shall appear.  
  
"Do you want something?" He asked, coming out of a puff of smoke. "Yes!" Draco said, sneering at the incest. "Voldie, they're brother and sister. But they keep having sex! And it scares me!" Veronika pouted. Katora tugged on Voldemort's sleeve. "Make them stop." She said. He blinked at them and the puppy dog eyes Veronika and Katora were giving him was too much.  
  
"Awwwww. I could never say no to you." He said; near tears at how cute they looked. He turned to Steve and Valerie. "YOU!" He shouted. Katora started to laugh sadistically and Veronika joined, then Malfoy. "Hahahahahaha!" And there was loud clapping thunder and lighting and THEN.  
  
A/N: O.k. crazy kitty! You can decide what happens next. I'm outta ideas. Yep, I am. 


	6. Vladamir

Disgruntled School

  


"_What?!_" Voldemort thundered "How dare you disturb my darling Veronika and Katora! What in the name of Zeus's butt hole were you thinking?! You shall pay." he said the last part in a deadly whisper.

"B-but I really really like her!" Steve whimpered

"Disturbing!" Veronika and Katora exclaimed

"You are upsetting my Ickle Girwlsh (little girls)!" Voldemort yelled

"Da------------d, you're embarrassing us!" they whined

"Sorry darlings, you two!" he pointed at Steve and Valerie "If you continue to behave in this manor I will deal with you in a most unpleasant way!"

"You mean you aren't gonna do anything!?"Veronika screeched

"Well I thought I should start warning people before attacking. Last time I didn't warn someone I lost all my bloody powers for 13 years!" he answered sounding a bit nervous.

"But that Potter brat deserved it-" Veronika started

"Yeah! He pushed her-" Katora continued

"In the sandbox no less-"

"Her ice cream-"

"Unsalvageable!" 

"It was horrible!!" they finished together

"Oh okay!" He took his wand out of his pocket and cast a spell on Steve and Valerie. "Now you two, every time you touch each other in a way that goes beyond the _normal_ affection level for brother and sister bad things will happen."

"L-like w-what?" Valerie asked

"Well for _you _it will feel like someone punched you in the boob wearing brass knuckles, and _he_ will feel like someone has kicked his genitalia." Every man present flinched. Voldemort turned to his daughters "Now Daddy wants a hug before he goes!" they smile a little embarrassed and hugged him.

  


~*~* At Dinner *~*~

  


Snape swooped in looking scary and intimidating as usual, but then he spotted McGonagall saving him a seat at the staff table. He looked like he was ready to swoon, he ran over to Dumbledork and told him he had to sit with his students, as they were plotting something evil. He ran full speed and sat down between Veronika and Katora, "Hello," he said weakly " I had to get away, McGonagall... flirting.... eww..." he trailed off.

Veronika's eyes turned red, a trait she got from her dad, "She _flirted_ with you?" she asked.

He nodded "She said she loved me! I was so disturbed, that was the day a ran into the bathroom." he said

"I'll show her!" Veronika exclaimed glaring at McGonagall. The old woman turned and looked at her after feeling her hate filled glare. Veronika smirked at her and grabbed Snape's face pulling him down into a kiss. Pretty soon they were snogging, well she was doing most of the work he was still kinda in shock. McGonagall stood up and marched over to the Slytherin table. Veronika quickly push Snape under the table, Katora rolled her eyes. "Yes?" she asked when McGonagall arrived, she was ignored. "Where is he?!" McGonagall screeched.

Veronika smirked, "Under the table, doing something for me." everyone in the hall paled at this statement. Veronika's smile grew, McGonagall sputtered. "H-he wouldn't!" she exclaimed.

" I assure you Severus S. Snape is tying my shoe!" she replied, noticing the weird looks she yelled "Get your minds out of the gutter!"

"Detention!"

"What for?" Katora asked annoyed that people were 'abusing' her darling little sister.

"You to!"

"What for?" Veronika asked

"Yes, vhat for?" asked a Russian accent. Everyone in the hall looked at the door, there stood a tall, pale boy of about 15 with dirty blond hair. He noticed everyone staring, " I am Vladamir Krushgasky the exchange student from St. Petersburg, Russia. I haff been sorted into the Slytherins household."

"Detention!" she yelled at him, he frowned.

  


~*~* In Dumbledork's Office *~*~

  


"Yes, well Mr. Malfoy why are you hear instead of the girls father?" Dumbledork asked

"I'm their Godfather, that means when their father can't make it I show up." He said as though speaking to a young child, "And Mr. Enigma couldn't make it. They are my responsibility. I have certain things I must help them with, now what did they do? Also who is he?" Lucius gestured to Vladamir.

" I don't know!" Vladamir said, "And neither does the senile old fool! He is as dumb as that damn Stalin!"

Lucius arched an eyebrow "Okay.... that works. Ri-----ght, well we'll just be going." He then swept out of the room. Katora, Vladamir, and Veronika following closely.

  


~*~* Later that night*~*~

  


"So what is St. Petersburg like?" Veronika asked

"Cold, very cold. It is depressing, and dark. I miss my home." Vladamir answered, they all gave sympathetic glances. 

" I know how that feels," Draco said " I visited Transylvaina, that place was so morbid. I'll never forget it, I wanna live there someday." Everyone nodded their agreement that dark and morbid was definitely the way to go.

"You know there is a place around here," Katora started. 

Veronika's eyes lit up, "There is, isn't there?" she asked rhetorically "Do think..""Why not? They seem worthy." Katora answered her unsaid question

"Okay, how about-"

"Tomorrow-"

"After Potions!" they finished

"Do they do that a lot?" Vladamir asked

Draco nodded, "They are sisters-"

"They look nothing alike!" Vladamir exclaimed

"Different mothers, anyway they were born a day apart and do practically everything together. They can practically read each others minds."

"_Practically_?!" Veronika exclaimed

"Practically nothing!" Katora finished

"Vhatever." Vladamir said, they all left for bed.

  


~*~* Next Week at Breakfast*~*~

  


"They are going to have a dance." Katora said in a monotone

"Really?" Veronika asked, sounding like she was a million miles away.

"Yeah." Draco said, he had just seen the damn sign.

"Hosted by the Gryffindorks," Vladamir said

"That's disturbing." Veronika lamented

" I know." Draco sighed

"We should chill at our spot-" Katora started

"And get roaringly drunk." Veronika finished, they were of course referring to The Chamber of Secrets. Their father had given his permission for them to use it, and sent them a letter officially bequeathing it to them.

  


A/N- kewlio that's my chap! Sorry it took so long, what can I say? I am lazy, I have about 10 chapters written in my head. The problem is the computer can't read my mind.


	7. In the Chamber

A/N- hey this a joint chapter, me and psycho are doing it! YAY! Fun times! ENJOY!! 

  


Draco's posse crept silently towards The Chamber of Secrets. They opened the door to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom and glanced around, they quickly ran to the sinks still looking around. Myrtle didn't like them, she said that Veronika reminded her of someone. Katora took her cigarette out of her mouth "I have a funny feeling." Vladamir turned around and his face paled even more, if that's possible, "Voh shiznet!" He said when he saw Myrtle. 

"Uh, hi." Draco managed. Veronika, realizing how much she looked like daddy, ducked behind everyone else."Funny," Myrtle said to her "You remind me of someone."

"Erm... maybe Grandpa!" Veronika said

"Who's name was not Tom." Katora said

"_And in no way a Riddle_!" they finished together

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" Myrtle screeched and Vladamir went flying into the wall because of how loud her voice was, "Vwoah" he said before passing out.

"Angry ghost!" Crabbe cried and passed out.

"_Wait_!"Veronika yelled, Katora got the same thought. They looked at each other and smirked.

"You can't hurt us!" Katora said, Vladamir remained still and close to death. Myrtle replied "Oh maybe not physically, but I wonder what would the Gryffindors would think if they knew where you were going to skip their party!?"

They looked at each other and yelled "_Oh shit!_" and ran for The Chamber of Secrets, Goyle dragging Crabbe. Everyone forgot Vladamir, who was laying there close to death. 

Katora finished her cigarette in one big puff and smiled, "Ah safe." she said in a breathy voice.

"Yes," Draco agreed, but then his eyes grew "Wait! Potter is a Parslemouth!!"

Everyone looked at each other "But Potter doesn't speak it anymore! Voldemort forbid a Gryffindor be scared of him!" Katora said rolling her eyes.

"But," Veronika continued holding up a finger "If the Gryffindors ask Potter, he'll be inclined to show off."

Everyone groaned "Well let's enjoy this as long as we can!" Draco said holding up the vodka. Everyone cheered, "Booty call!" Veronika and Katora screamed, tackling Draco. They grabbed the vodka and started to molest Draco. Not that he was complaining, "Look!" Katora screamed "A dark figure in the shadows!"

"All things in shadows are dark, because you know...... shadows are dark." Veronika said. She was a wee bit intoxicated, as was Katora who ran towards the dark figure. She missed and hit the wall. "Ow!! That smarts!" she yelled, then slid down the wall. Vladamir came out of the shadows "Vhat the Vuck(fuck) vis goin on?" he asked.

"That doesn't sound right." Katora muttered, she then brought her hand to her face "Well shit." her nose was bleeding.

"You aren't Russian!" Veronika yelled, pointing at 'Vladamir' accusingly.

"We sensed an uncoolness coming from you" Katora continued

"That's why we left you behind!" Veronika finished

"No you left me behind because you were scared!" 'Vladamir' said, now without the accent.

"But we left you because you're uncool." Veronika explained

"Who the bloody fuckin' hell are you and what did you do with our Russian lackey?!?!" Katora screamed choking 'Vladamir'.

"I aint tellin'!" he said

"He's a yank! Bloody hell, American's scared me!!" Veronika screamed and hid behind Draco, pinching his butt in the process.

Katora sat down on the American impostor's chest "Tell us." she said sweetly, while holding her burning cigarette inches from his forehead.

"I- well ya see, it's like this, I was hired to sorta keep an eye on you. By the Ministry peoples, they kinda wanted me to see if you was workin for that Vol-da-moret."

"_HE SAID THE NAME!!!_" they screamed trying to sound afraid.

"You can't fool mae!"he said

"Fine so we can't fool you!" Veronika said

"Where you from anyway?" Draco asked

"Yeah, like East Kentucky?" Katora asked

"Ahm from East Texas, you was close."

"But, and I know I'm not an expert, because you Americans are scary, but aren't Kentucky and Texas kinda far apart?" Veronika asked

"The south is the south. We're all kinda related, in spirit." he answered

"No they are not!" Katora yelled, everyone looked at her. "It's in _blood_! I heard about you inbreeder!" she screeched

"You should be in Hufflepuff!" Draco yelled at him

"Scary times!" Veronika yelled.

"Come, I been told to takes yous to the party."

"NOOOOOOOOOOO*pause for breath* OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*breath* OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*breath*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*breath*OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" they yelled, but Vladamir had already summoned Dumbledork. "Oh there you are! We missed you at the party, but don't worry there is still 3 h\whole hours left!" he said, trying to comfort them. They all passed out at the thought of spending 3 hours with Gryffindors.

  


A/N- sorry if we sound anti-American, but I (kittykat) am but that's okay, cause i am American. In fact i live in Florida, god i hate Florida. Oh well just let it be known that was a joking thing!

A/N-So, how did you like it? I don't care if you didn't. I'm all...pissed. The Crow, such a sad ending. But I didn't cry. 

Kittykat: Yes she did!

Katora: NO I didn't!

Both: We leave you here

  



	8. Pregnancies and moodswings

ELLO ELLO!!!!! Another joint chapter. School is over, and Jane is here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
DISGRUNTLED SCHOOL  
  
Pregnancy and mood swings.  
  
Draco walked down the hall to where his posse was waiting. He accidentally bumped into Ron Weasley. "Huh?" Ron said, turning to see Draco. Harry came running up, wearing a pimp suit "Is you tryin to get my merchandise for free?!" Harry had been pimping Ron for a week now, only two people paid. Sprout and Sheena the Slytherin Slut. "What? NO! OH, BLOODY HELL NO! BLOODY CHICKEN ARSES!" He screamed and stumbled. "I wouldn't hit anything Sprout hit, TWICE!" Ron put his hands to his face and started to cry. "How does he knooowwww?" He cried, Draco rolled his eyes, crossed his arms, and looked superior. "I'm a Malfoy, we know all." He said, smirking.   
  
"Who else knows?" Harry demanded, but was stupid enough to push his only source of informaton down the stair case. "AAGGHHH!!! SHH-------------------------------TTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Draco called.  
  
THUMP  
  
  
  
THUMP  
  
.............................................................  
  
"Ooops." Harry said, almost innocently. "Christ!" Ron proclaimed. "Has nothing to do with this." Harry replied, pushing Ron away. "To the bathroom, we have customers waiting." Harry said. "NOT SPROUT AGAIN!" Ron sobbed. "That's a paying customer! Show respect!" Harry shouted. (Jane, hands offa the 'puter!) (Katora regains control)  
  
Draco heard a loud SMAK (I know, smack, my way is betterer!) and some whimpering. Then he saw a big, pink elephant dancing in his head and passed out.   
  
"DRACO!" He heard Veronika calling. He opened his eyes. "I hurt." He cried. "Well, that's to be expected. You DID fall down ten flights of stairs!" Veronika said, laughing at him. "Poor baby!" Katora said, crying on his shoulder. "I didn't FALL! I was PUSHED!" He shouted through the pain. "Potter tried to kill me because I bumped into his PROFIT!" Veronika and Katora's eyes started to grow red.   
  
"HE"  
  
  
  
"WILL"  
  
"PAAYYY!!!!" They shouted together. Draco's eyes grew. He looked to his side where his father stood. Madam Pomfrey walked over to Veronika, "Dear what do you want to about your" she glanced around "er... situation?" she asked sweetly. Just about everyone was astounded, Madame Pomfrey was NEVER nice to Slytherins! "I- I er.." she looked at Katora desperately.   
  
"What's going on?" Lucius asked "You were here before Draco was brought in."  
  
She looked at him and said "Well you see it's like this, I... I don't want to talk about it!" she screamed.  
  
"Listen, I'm your Godfather you can tell me."   
  
"Ohh yes.." Katora said sarcastically "Our GODFATHER, as in like a father, like a second FATHER! Father being a member of the family! We are like your family!"  
  
"Yeah," Draco said " and I'm your Godbrother... so?"  
  
Katora paled "That's DIFFERENT!!! You are our age! He's our GODFATHER as in like a father-"  
  
Lucius cut her off "I beleive we've been over this, I'm your Godfather like a second father. So...."  
  
"That means your older! Way older!" she yelled back   
  
"SHUT UP KATORA!!!" (Yay, Katora is at the keys again!) Katora glared. "They oughta know." She said. "It's MY BUISNESS!" Veronika screamed. "Ooohhh, it's THEIRS TOO!" Katora shouted back. Lucius' head went back and forth between the two girls, and his head was screaming bloody murder.  
  
"Would you two shut up?" Draco asked, massaging his temples. "What is going on?" Godfather asked. "Veronika, GODFATHER asked you a question! Answer the GODFATHER!"  
  
"Damn it! I'm NOT Al Pacino, and this hair is BLONDE! Stop calling me 'Godfather' before I have to get a bad dye job AND MOVE TO NEW YORK!" (Umm, the refrence to the movie The Godfather was 100% Jane) "NOT AMERICA!" Veronika screeched. "Then," Lucius said, gaining composure, "Tell me what is going on."   
  
"I think I know!" Draco said, sick of being ignored. "I'M NOT PREGNANT WITH YOUR FATHER'S BABY!" Veronika screamed. Draco started to stutter. "T-t-that wasn-n-n't my guess." He said, crying. "Disregard. Ignore that!" She said. "Oh, I believe it's too late for that!" Katora called. "Oh noooo.." Lucuis gasped.  
  
"I-I'm MARRIED. And....I'm her Godfather." He said. "Nicely STATED, GodFATHER!" Katora shrieked, but was ignored. In a huff she sat down on Draco's bed. "What are we going to do?" He asked. Katora started sobbing, but no one payed attention. "Well, we could knock off Narcissa and get married." Veronika said. "No, I couldn't kill her." "That's my MUM!!" Draco screamed, no one noticed. "Yes, a divorce could work...or I could have an abortion."   
  
"NO!" Lucius cried. "This could be my last chance at getting a little girl!" "OOOOYYYY!" Draco screamed. They glanced at him, then went back to their conversation. "Poor, poor Veronika..." Lucius said and hugged Veronika, she cried quietly on his chest. Katora jumped up. "POOR VERONIKA! WHAT ABOUT KATORA?? I'M PREGNANT TOO! Ohhhh shiiiitttt." Veronika gasped. "How come you never told me??" Veronika whined. "I told you." Katora shook her head. "You're a slut, I had SUSPECTED IT!" Veronika turned really red. She walked away from Lucius and got in her sisters face.  
  
"I. Am. Not. A. Slut. I've only had sex with FOUR people. I just like to FLIRT!"  
  
"Who is the father?" Draco asked, hoping to Voldemort it wasn't him. That would be too disturbing. "Well," Katora ignored Draco's question, "I've only had sex with TWO people!" "So WHAT?" Draco poked Katora's shoulder. "Who is the father?" He repeated. "Uuuhhh..." She said, putting her head in her hands and sobbing.  
  
"Wmfly" She muttered. "WEASLEY?!?!?!" Veronika skreeched. Katora only nodded her head. "Which...one...?" Lucius asked, hoping against hope that it wasn't 'The Whore of Gryffindor' Ron. "George..." She whispered. "I'm sorry we fought!" Katora cried. Veronika hugged her. "I'm sorry too!" Just then, and nurse bitch finally left, Voldemort appeared.   
  
"I felt pain coming from my little girls!" He said. They ran over and hugged him. "Daddy! It was HORRIBLE!" Veronika cried. "We got in a fight!" Katora sobbed! "We won't do it again!" They cried together. "WERE PREGNANT!" Katora burst. "Not by the same man, I hope." Voldemort said, half joking. "No." Veronika said. "My baby's father is CLOSE TO MY age, only a FEW years older." Katora shot at Veronika. "Bitch."  
  
"Who?" Voldemort asked. All he could hear was a muffled 'Malfoy' and he looked at Draco. Draco shook his head, and pointed at his father ducking behind a bed.  
  
A/N: WE leave you HERE! 


	9. 95 Percent

Lucius stood up from where he was ducking, he should face his death like a man. "Er.." He managed to choke out before Voldemort launched himself at Lucius.

Lucius cringed expecting to die, but was.... being cuddled? "Um.. My Lord..." Lucius said looking at Voldemort.

"I'm going to be a grandfather!!!!!" Voldemort proclaimed proudly

"So you aren't angry?" Lucius asked

"Well I'm slightly annoyed, you are their Godfather," Voldemort answered letting go of Lucius. "Veronika are you sure it's his?" He asked

"Well... 95 percent sure." She said blushing

"Who else could it be?" Voldemort asked

"Snape's" Veronika said shrugging

"Eww!" Katora yelled

"What! He's younger than Lucius, and NOT related to 'The Whore of Gryffindor' like the father of YOURS!" Veronika pointed out

"Shut it." Katora mumbled

"Who's a whore?" Voldemort asked

"Ron Weasley, her child's uncle." Veronika volunteered.

"Skank!" Katora yelled at her, "At least I know who the father is!"

"Hey! I'm pretty sure!"

"You better hope it's not Snape! He'll get fired."

"Well.. fuck never thought of that."

**A/N - Just got the urge to add onto this after like a year of neglect... **


End file.
